Fast Forward

I started gaining weight again when my now husband and I began dating. Part of it was from eating out, part of it was from drinking, part of it was from just being content and not really watching what I was eating. This weight gain was different than weight gains in the past. It wasn't due to eating sweets. I had my own place and didn't allow myself to put sweets in it -but eating out so much and drinking when I hadn't been drinking started to play a huge role in why my pants were no longer fitting me.

I knew I had gained some weight, but I think I was in denial. I didn't realize how much I had gained until much later in the game.

Every time we went to visit my husbands family I came home 5 lbs heavier. Yes, I said it. Five pounds. I'm not kidding you, that is really what the scale and my pants told me. It is so hard to control what you eat when others are preparing it-- but 5 lbs- really? I  started to really resent going to visit his family but it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I was eating way to much and not getting any exercise. Did I mention that I love food. And I love cooking food. And I love home cooked food. And my husband's mother has some very yummy food that she cooks. I was quite eager to eat it up.

My waist and pants kept expanding and then the kicker--I quit smoking. I gained ten pounds when I quit. I know part of it was because my metabolism was self regulating but I also was snacking more to keep my mind off of not smoking. It's so easy to blame other things when really it is my fault for letting it get so out of hand, so out of control.

I became obsessed with losing weight. It was all I thought about, all I dreamed about, all I wanted to do and I started working out a lot. Nothing changed really. I lost a few pounds but not much. I tried Atkins. It started to work, but the thing about Atkins is is that it is REALLY restrictive. I was doing really well on it for awhile, but I like to drink wine and I like to have a glass or two on the weekend with my husband and wine has carbohydrates. So having wine would knock me out of ketosis and I would have to start all over again. It began to not work for me. I wasn't eating carbohydrates and I wanted them. I craved them. My body craved them. The scale was stuck on gaining and losing the same 5lbs.

Then I lost my job right before the holidays. I was upset. Depressed. Feeling worthless. And food was there to comfort me through two Thanksgivings and two Christmases(because we had to celebrate with both families).

Then two things happened. I reached a weight which I told myself I would NEVER reach and I saw a picture of myself. I cried. I looked horrible and I was tired of it. I hated my round face and my rounder body.  I began working out harder than I had in a year and not eating any sweets. I thought I was eating good and working out enough. No weight was lost. In fact, it moved up which really stressed me out because I was already over the weight in which I never wanted to reach.

I felt like I was doing everything in my power to lose weight and nothing was happening. I was not happy. It made me feel sick to my stomach to look in the mirror. My BFF asked me if I wanted to join weight watchers with her because she was also struggling. I told her no. I would do it on my own. I had a plan. So she joined and I was determined to lose weight on my own. She lost 10 lbs in a month. I lost... 1.

Although I was happy for her and her loss, I'm not going to lie, I was extremely jealous. And after struggling to lose weight for well over a year unsuccessfully, I decided maybe I could use a little help. Maybe saying you need help isn't such a bad thing. So I joined weight watchers too and it's the best decision I've made in a very long time.